I´m an ECHELON
My Story
I would not be here anymore if there hadn´t been that moment when I saw CTTE for the first time on TV. CTTE was my first Mars-Song. I heard it in 2010. I had just returned home from work. Crying. Back than I was suffering from anxiety attacks for over a year already. And this day, this particular moment was so horrible, because for the first time in my life I felt certain that I wouldn´t be able to do this anymore, live and grow old like that. I don´t know why I did that, but I switched on my TV to distract me from the thought of killing myself...weird...and chose mtv (I never used to watch mtv anymore). I sat down, barely looking at the screen, crying. when I heard the first organ sounds I opened my eyes and I swear I was transformed or something.
I remember crawling to the tv, because I really have a small one. My only thought was: I have to catch the name of this band. I was sure, my life depended on that name. When the video ended I read the name and repeated it over and over while running to my mac. 30 seconds to mars, 30 seconds to mars - hit space bar - 30 seconds to mars, 30 seconds to mars, start itunes - 30 seconds to mars, 30 seconds to mars, - furiously type the name. Next thing was me buying all I could get. The next days are a blur of mechanically attending my work and rushing home to listen to mars. I started with the first album, and its still the one I´m listening to every day. I worked my way through every little treasure that is hidden in those songs, the lyrics, the sounds, the voice, the violence, the tenderness, the hope.
I just listened. Cried most of the time. Screamed. My whole body was shaking. I had what felt like an exorcism. I was in trance most of the time. That was my first step of healing. To get all the emotions out there and not be afraid of them. This music gave me such strength, I trusted in my own capacity to get out of this sane. After I found the core which once had been myself, I build from there. I found the echelon. I travelled the world - although it was only europe, to me it felt that way. I did things I always wanted to do, but just didn´t do. All my dreams that I had burried are out there again, alive. I am proud of myself, of who I am. And I am endlessly grateful.
I would not be here anymore if there hadn´t been that moment when I saw CTTE for the first time on TV. CTTE was my first Mars-Song. I heard it in 2010. I had just returned home from work. Crying. Back than I was suffering from anxiety attacks for over a year already. And this day, this particular moment was so horrible, because for the first time in my life I felt certain that I wouldn´t be able to do this anymore, live and grow old like that. I don´t know why I did that, but I switched on my TV to distract me from the thought of killing myself...weird...and chose mtv (I never used to watch mtv anymore). I sat down, barely looking at the screen, crying. when I heard the first organ sounds I opened my eyes and I swear I was transformed or something.
I remember crawling to the tv, because I really have a small one. My only thought was: I have to catch the name of this band. I was sure, my life depended on that name. When the video ended I read the name and repeated it over and over while running to my mac. 30 seconds to mars, 30 seconds to mars - hit space bar - 30 seconds to mars, 30 seconds to mars, start itunes - 30 seconds to mars, 30 seconds to mars, - furiously type the name. Next thing was me buying all I could get. The next days are a blur of mechanically attending my work and rushing home to listen to mars. I started with the first album, and its still the one I´m listening to every day. I worked my way through every little treasure that is hidden in those songs, the lyrics, the sounds, the voice, the violence, the tenderness, the hope.
I just listened. Cried most of the time. Screamed. My whole body was shaking. I had what felt like an exorcism. I was in trance most of the time. That was my first step of healing. To get all the emotions out there and not be afraid of them. This music gave me such strength, I trusted in my own capacity to get out of this sane. After I found the core which once had been myself, I build from there. I found the echelon. I travelled the world - although it was only europe, to me it felt that way. I did things I always wanted to do, but just didn´t do. All my dreams that I had burried are out there again, alive. I am proud of myself, of who I am. And I am endlessly grateful.